Have Fun

The final Guiding Principle is a wonderfully important one:  Have Fun.  We seem to take things very seriously today, conforming to what we think is expected of us and existing in a world of pressure—pressure to be the perfect parent, spouse, friend; pressure to masterfully fulfill all the tasks and obligations required by our endlessly growing To Do lists; pressure from our expanding number of roles.  Urged by the omnipresent Internet, we are pressured even more to do all these things in record-breaking time.  We too often disregard any idea of unplugging or of noticing and responding to our biology’s desire that we pause. As a society, we seem to have decided that life is for accomplishing stuff rather than for enjoying the things we do and, well .… having fun.

Work, obligations and the quest to do it all (with as much perfection as possible), take precedence over unwinding, let alone actually enjoying.  While obligations are inherent and necessary in social communities, a consequence of modernity is the shear volume of demand and the reality that we are connected in some way more or less around the clock.  So much information and so many opportunities beckon us.  Daily rhythm is staccato rather than flowing, rushing from one demand to another.

The demands, stress, excessive self regulation and self-criticism drain us of our playfulness. They often prevent us from being spontaneous, savoring face-to-face interactions, and having time in natural rather than man-made environments.  All things that are actually essential for neurological and physical health.

This is your life.  Are you missing it?  Your child will only grow and develop once, are you missing some of that too?

We wistfully reflect on the carefree days of childhood, when play was a possibility and when personal relationships with friends and family brought comfort and a deep calming sense of association.  We wonder sometimes if the scheduled, hurried lives our children have today deny them some of these experiences, even though we intend their lifestyle to be enriching and filled with opportunities.

For several decades, social scientists have interviewed the elderly asking them what they would do differently if they could.  They consistently find that people say they wish they’d taken more time to play, to have fun, and to enjoy family and friends.  It’s virtually unheard of for someone to respond, “I wish I’d worked more,” or “I wish I’d cleaned the house more.“  Among the very newest comments we do not hear, “I wish I’d been on my computer more,” or “I wish I’d scheduled more structured activities for myself and my kids.”  Interviews with older men and women are filled with comments such as, “I’d give myself more time to indulge in the things I now understand are the most important.”  One woman interviewed at the Sanctuary Spa in England in 2015 pithily commented, “I’d make a To Not Do List.”

These personal reflections mesh with a growing body of research about health and wellbeing that raise concerns about the pace and quality of current lifestyles.   Minds and bodies need down time to restore, social time to connect and outdoor time to thrive.  Humans are incredibly social beings who flourish and develop as individuals, and as a species, through face-to-face interaction and the support of others.  In contrast, virtual interactions through social media and electronic games are superficial and much less socially rewarding.  Man-made environments are excessively stimulating and demanding, whereas unstructured activities in natural settings are restorative, but increasingly rare.  So are simply letting go and laughing, being silly and relishing whatever we’re doing.

This Guiding Principle urges you to not miss out on the things that are ultimately the most important, to not miss out on enjoying your life and your child’s development, and to embrace the things that restore and replenish, honoring nature’s intent that we do so.

If you struggle a bit with lightening up or feel a strong pressure to masterfully control lots of things, you may find some of the suggestions below helpful.

Jumpstarting Fun

Be Open to Surprises 

Plans, intentions, schedules and outlines are useful.  They also constrain and limit.  Trying to control everything is stressful and impossible, and you miss out on all kinds of unexpected experiences and opportunities.  Little children jump around and giggle with enthusiasm when surprised.  They notoriously go with the flow and embrace serendipity.

Surprises are like opening the door to an unexpected friend and having a fabulous time.  Try saying, “yes” to what happens. Give things a chance to surprise. Being open to the unexpected leads to innovation and breakthroughs as well as to fun. Try following your child’s example.

Get outside

Man-made environments are very demanding and need a lot of focused attention, selectively concentrating on specific things such as navigating traffic or managing the Internet.  This kind of attention requires a great deal of mental effort, both to stay attentive and to block out competing stimuli.  Manmade environments are also replete with background machine sounds like the hum of refrigerators, computers, air conditioners and countless other devices.  While we block these out, they remain an unconscious irritant.  In contrast, natural environments allow relaxed involuntary attention.  Unstructured activities in natural settings replenish both mind and body.  There is mounting evidence confirming this. The effects are so robust that recent medical research shows that patients whose hospital rooms look onto trees and plants recover more quickly and require significantly less pain medication than those whose rooms look onto buildings.  Recent psychological research finds that compared with children living in essentially man-made environments, children living in more natural environments experience much less distress and loss of self esteem after experiencing hardships or difficulties.

Try spending time outdoors without ear buds or smartphones and without always engaging in organized sports or similar activities. Just explore, move, take it in, play and let nature revive you.

Be curious

Curiosity means being intrigued by things and being interested in finding out about them.  Young children are filled with curiosity — noticing, poking, probing, exploring, discovering, experimenting, and asking questions.  It is often claimed that schools thwart curiosity by limiting hands-on discovery in favor of learning facts and procedures, and by limiting tangential discussions in favor of satisfying learning objectives.  It is certainly something most adults have suppressed.  But it isn’t dead, and it can be restored.

Curiosity simply means really noticing things you find interesting and taking pleasure in finding out about them.  It can also mean seeking new experiences or trying new things.  Being curious is fun and invigorating.  It moves us out of monotony and beyond habits.  It challenges us to think new thoughts and build new skills.  It makes relationships richer and more satisfying when we are open and genuinely interested others.  In recent psychological research, curiosity has been identified as one of the top five features associated with overall life fulfillment and happiness.

Curiosity is fun and revitalizing.

Allow yourself to be silly and spontaneous

All that self control, satisfying obligations, prioritizing tasks, clinging to habits and routines is very limiting. Try letting go sometimes.  Routines are incredibly useful, but they can also be incredibly boring. They can make you boring too.  Break your routine, do some interesting activity immediately rather than at some vague time the future.  Say yes to invitations.  Be impromptu rather than thinking it over.

Be Playful

Play is an activity done for enjoyment or pleasure without serious purpose. Whether it is tossing a Frisbee with friends, constructing something for fun, playing tag with crashing waves, jamming with musical friends, or something else, play releases us from our linear task-driven adult mindset.  Play heightens moods, inspires creativity, boosts energy and vitality, and strengthens connections to others.  Being playful is hugely different from spending “leisure time” with a TV or computer and it is vastly more rewarding.  And fun.

Socialize

Virtual games and communicating with distant or even unknown others through social media, texting or snap chat provide some sense of connection, but are diminished experiences of social contact. Face-to-face interactions are richer and far more fulfilling than simulated ones.  Humans are exquisitely evolved to be aware of subtle non-verbal signals and have thrived as a species because of collaboration, cooperation and collective intelligence.  As a result, qualities of empathy, interpreting emotional signals, and similar abilities have been selected for and transmitted from generation to generation, enhancing these features over many millennia. So has our human need to engage in social interactions that feel rewarding and supportive.  We experience this even at a biochemical level.  For example, when people tune into one another signaling trust, interest and engagement they each feel greater calmness and connection.  One reason for this is that the neuropeptide oxytocin cascades though both individuals.  This is not just true of romantic partners or parents and children, but also occurs, though to a lesser degree, with friends and even colleagues.  (Touch enhances this response, which is why it is more robust in intimate relationships.)  Social connection is satisfying and intended by our biology.  As a result, socializing is richly rewarding and pleasurable. Sharing life activities with others is mutually supportive and dramatically lessens stress. Sadly, the amount of time people spend with friends has been declining steadily for well over half a century.  So go for a walk, play games, share meals or get together and chat with your friends.  You may want to cultivate new friendships as well.

There are many ways to enjoy the things that are ultimately the most important things, and to be present for your child’s development and enjoy your own.  All of these are ways of having enthusiasm for life!  You may want to make a little more space in your daily life, and your child’s daily life, to ….  have fun.