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Talking with children and teens after the election

Published on by Anne Dunlea

Since the election, I have received numerous calls and emails from parents asking about ways to discuss the election outcome with children and teens. For the most part, these have been from parents whose children are concerned, disturbed or frightened. There are, I think, skillful ways to guide children to understand and move forward, drawing valuable lessons for the future.

To begin, it is important to explain that this is how democracy works. However disappointing the outcome may be to them, citizens of the United States do have a voice, and using it is both a privilege and an obligation. Votes are a commitment to the future. Election outcomes will sometimes please us and sometimes not. That is an inevitable aspect of a democracy.

Beyond that, you may find it helpful to explore with your child or teenager exactly which issues are especially important to him or her. For some girls in particular, the hope of breaking through the ultimate glass ceiling was paramount, and failing to do so is disheartening. For other children, it is concern about climate change and protecting the planet; for others the greatest concerns are about social justice and equality; still others worry about student loan debt and future wellbeing.

You can help your child identify area(s) of greatest concern and begin to find ways to channel frustration into positive energy to work toward meaningful changes. Children and teens can volunteer for organizations that support causes that matter to them. They can become involved in projects at school and in their communities that promote changes, even small ones.

Thus, if your child or teenager is discouraged or concerned, you can guide him to understand and appreciate how democracy works, to draw lessons about our civic responsibility to participate in it, and together you can find ways to use this an opportunity to get involved in issues that matter most to him or her.

Whether your child is happy or unhappy about the outcome of the election, you may want to encourage your child to be gracious with all friends and classmates, including those whose views are different. For that is the only way that democracy can continue to work.

Defending Against Children’s “Inner Dangers”

Published on by Anne Dunlea

Dangers, those things that make us feel vulnerable and at risk, come in two broad forms. Outer dangers are things outside of us that threaten us in some way. Inner dangers emerge from thoughts and concerns that we experience as negative emotions. Outer dangers include violence, unsafe equipment, natural disasters, handling machinery without the requisite skill and the like. Some of the inner dangers children face are risks of shame, embarrassment, of being punished, rejected or shunned. Author and Psychologist Rick Hanson commented in one of his Newsletters (July 5, 2016) that children respond to these kinds of inner dangers by putting on a mask, constraining who they are, in order to deflect unwanted attention. Sometimes those masks may come in the form of concealing parts of oneself, not raising one’s hand, not offering views, following unobtrusively. Other times, they may involve taking the stage and presenting oneself as the clown, the leader, the rebel. All of these are contractions, keeping parts of oneself hidden that may lead to painful experiences.

There are some ways to help your child feel fewer of these inner dangers. One is to promote feelings of self love, self compassion and self respect. You can do this by working with the first two Guiding Principles, “Love Genuinely” and “Interact Respectfully.”

In particular, recall that “Loving Genuinely” doesn’t just mean offering love without qualifications attached, but also loving oneself. Children, too, need to open to self love and self compassion. As you grow in your own self love, you are showing your child how to do the same.

An important part of respectful interaction is trust. Building mutual trust between parent and child is a focus of that principle, but building trust in one’s self is also vital. If a child loves and trusts who she or he is, a gentle confidence is created. That confidence, that loving trust in one’s self, helps children (and adults!) drop their masks. They needn’t conceal what they already like and accept. Interestingly, that authenticity makes others comfortable as well, often drawing friends and building supportive social connections.

Another of the Guiding Principles, “Set Up Success,” offers ideas for concrete ways to help children avoid the inner dangers of fearing embarrassment or shame or rejection. You can use this to help your child be prepared, by encouraging him to complete assignments, practicing skills he will be called on to use, and anticipating or role playing upcoming events that will stretch your child or teen.

If you have some specific ideas about offering support that helps your child avoid some inner dangers, or you have a success story, please share these in Forum.

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In praise of boredom

Published on by Anne Dunlea

We tend to fear boredom, not liking it, wanting to to find something to do. Modernity has give us a nearly infallible boredom vanquisher in the form of a smartphone. Thanks to downloaded games and music, a phone can entertain anywhere, anytime, so long as it is charged. Not only that, so long as there is a signal, it also brings the tantalizing reality of being able to interact with any number of friends just about anywhere. As a result, we never need to suffer the frustration of having nothing to do.

In the 20th century, a commonly heard lament of children was, “I don’t have anything to do.” Remember? Today, it’s a phrase less heard, because children can easily engage in some sort of technologically supported amusement: streaming videos or music, playing games, texting or chatting. Sounds good. But is it?

Boredom is a great catalyst for creativity and discovery. Boredom inspired children to invent games, to get outside and play, or see if friends were available to play. It led children to build forts and houses out of whatever could be found, or to pull construction sets or puzzles off shelves, or to draw or sculpt or even write stories. Boredom leads people, adults and children both, to discover what they are capable of doing and to innovate. It is, perhaps oddly, a boost to intellectual and social growth.

You may want to allow your child to experience a little boredom. For his or her own good.

Update on Skilled Child Care Providers

Published on by Anne Dunlea

In an earlier Blog I commented that providing child care is not, or should not be, an “unskilled” job. A US Senate Bill takes some first steps in acknowledging and supporting the importance of education for those caring for children.

Senator Barbara Boxer introduced legislation, S.446,  to support child care provision in two important ways: one is to improve tax support to offset costs parents pay for child care. The other introduces an innovative tax credit for child care providers who have a bachelor’s degree in early childhood education. It is a first step, but it clearly recognizes the importance of having our children cared for by skilled, educated professionals.

 Senate Bill 446

 Right Start Child Care and Education Act of 2015

Amends the Internal Revenue Code to: (1) increase the rates and maximum allowable amount of the tax credit for employer-provided child care facilities; (2) increase the eligibility threshold amount and rate of the household and dependent care tax credit and make such credit refundable; (3) allow a new $2,000 tax credit for child care providers who hold a bachelor’s degree in early childhood education, child care, or a related degree and who provide at least 1,200 hours of child care services in a taxable year; and (4) increase the tax exclusion for employer-provided dependent care assistance.

The bill was referred to the Senate Finance Committee in February 2015, but there has been no action since.

We Don’t Have to Decide Right Away

Published on by Anne Dunlea

The round of daily events — at home and elsewhere — often includes the need to make decisions, or to give permission for our child to do something. There’s an urgency to it, as others await our verdict. But haste doesn’t always lead to a comfortable or best conclusion.

Patience before making a decision is sometimes wise. It’s okay, in fact good, to pause before you make a decision, whether responding to someone at work, in your personal life or to your child. People who feel aware and have healthy self-respect and self-confidence tend to become more patient in making decisions. Rather than feeling pressured, they may say to someone, “I’ll think about that, and get back to you.” Or they may say to their child, “Let me think about that for a few minutes and I’ll let you know shortly.”

Taking time to reflect is likely to lead you away from making commitments you don’t really have time for or that you aren’t at ease with. It also role models thoughtful decision making for your child.

Child care workers should be skilled and valued

Published on by Anne Dunlea

“The less skilled often take jobs that are hard to fill, like in child care, for example, which allows more parents to work.” The quote is from an editorial published in the New York Times on 9/19/15, commenting that Europe should welcome refugees from the Middle East and arguing that they contribute to the economy in a various ways.

What kind of child care is unskilled? This perpetuates the view that child care amounts to little more than keeping children safe from physical danger and providing for basic needs of food and rest. It equates with tending a herd of sheep. It dismisses what we know to be true, that children thrive, and humans reach their full potential, when they are nurtured with attention that gives them security, social connections to support their mental, emotional and physical development, and education that guides them to develop thinking capacities. Offering this kind of child care requires skill and knowledge.

Child care is not, or certainly should not be, an “unskilled job”.